Defending Adult Children After a Terrible Crime: A Parent’s Dilemma
Parents might believe it and hope with all their hearts, 'I know my child...'"
Why Some Parents Defend
Parents often defend their adult children after they've committed a terrible crime, often saying, "I know my child…" This may stem from a deep-seated belief that they can help themselves feel better by rationalizing their child's actions as not reflecting their own parenting. People love who they love, and even dysfunctional mothers can love their dysfunctional children just as fiercely. However, this love often makes it difficult to deal with and reason with them.
Fear and Guilt
The reasons for defending their children can vary. Many parents stay with their child and support them despite the crime, believing their child’s story of innocence or fearing the consequences if the truth is found out. While these beliefs can be misguided, some parents turn their children in, and it happens both ways. Parents love and believe their children, but at times, it leads to complex emotional and ethical dilemmas.
The Role of Guilt and Fear
Guilt is a significant factor in why some parents defend their children. They fear the consequences of the truth being revealed, either because they are protecting a child who believes their actions were either a one-time incident or corrupted by someone else or another individual. In both cases, guilt and fear can cloud a parent's judgment and lead to actions that are ultimately harmful to both the child and the larger community.
A Parent's Dilemma: Defending vs. Securing Justice
The tension between defending one's child and ensuring justice is a significant challenge for parents. They may try to prevent authorities from doing their jobs, enabling bad behavior. In one case, a parent repeatedly lied to treatment centers and police to hide their teen's run-away situation, only to find out that their child had died from drug overdose. In another, parents allowed their child to hide out in their home to avoid juvenile court, where the child went on to set fire to a church and commit suicide.
Consequences of Defending a Criminal
Defending a child can have dire consequences. A parent may believe their child's freedom justifies the lack of accountability, but this belief can lead to even worse outcomes. For instance, one parent told us that their son would never do what we told him our children had done together because they gave him so much freedom. However, the hypocrisy of their belief was made clear when another child told on herself for being present at this event. She learned her lesson, realizing how stupid it all felt.
The Importance of Addressing the Issue
Waiting to see what happens after a bad deed without a plan can backfire. It is crucial for parents to address the behavior of their children and take appropriate action, whether that means seeking treatment or legal intervention. Parents should not ignore warnings or hopes that their children will not repeat harmful actions. This can lead to serious consequences, such as the child developing more significant problems, like alcoholism, as seen in a case where a parent ignored warnings of alcohol at an event.
In conclusion, parents face a difficult choice when their children commit terrible crimes. The impact of their actions can be profound, and the consequences of deferring justice are often devastating. It is essential for parents to acknowledge and address these issues to ensure the well-being of both their children and society at large.